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Get Off My Lawn September 17, 2012

Posted by J. in Domesticity, FYI, Genius.
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1 comment so far

You know, when I was a girl, things were different.

Cookie Monster went apeshit over cookies. I mean, he’s a cookie MONSTER. He’s sane and rational until he gets a whiff of cookies and then BAM. He’s a junkie. A total crack-head. He’s plowing through a plate of snickerdoodles like there’s no tomorrow and he isn’t stopping until he’s spent, his eyes swirling around in his head, crumbs all up in his fur.

But Cookie’s been to rehab, man. Now, cookies are a once-in-a-while treat. Cookie eats vegetables now. He probably does yoga and sees his therapist once a week.

And when did Big Bird get so whiny? Maybe when I was a kid I didn’t notice it so much, but now that I’m a grownup, I can’t help but notice that Big Bird whines like a bitch every time he opens his mouth. If there’s someone on Sesame Street that needs to see a therapist, it’s him. I have never wanted to slap a Muppet so much in my life.

Yes, that includes Elmo.


At least they’re getting something right.

They tell me that Mr. Rogers is getting a reboot of sorts, featuring the puppets from the show. Or at least one of them. Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood is going to be a thing.

My friend Beeby is rage-stabby about it. I’m…nothing. Maybe they’ll manage to keep the spirit of Fred Rogers in it, but I don’t know. I’d rather watch re-runs. I found out he died while I was on the stationary bike at the gym. I tried very, very hard not to cry. My mother hated him, but to this day, I appreciate his kindness and gentleness. I loved him.

I can’t be too hard on PBS Kids. Honestly, my kids learn nothing from me. Nuh. Thing. They hate it when I try to teach them anything. It’s why Emma learned to tie her shoes at the neighbor’s house and why Mary learned to swim from a friend. It’s part of the reason I could never homeschool. They just don’t listen to my instruction. The other reason is that I would kill them if I had to spend all day with them. I really don’t like being a parent all that much. I’m just putting that out there.

If my kids went into school knowing their letters and numbers and how to count things, it’s because of PBS Kids. And Nick Jr. God, I miss Blue’s Clues with Steve. Not Joe. Joe sucked. But Steve had a Mr. Rogers thing going on that I loved. I watched all the episodes over and over again with Buggy and we both enjoyed them.

As the kids have gotten older, Nick is still a mainstay in our house. I have to admit that with the exception of Big Time Rush, I don’t mind it so much. I like iCarly. It’s Dave’s favorite show. We all like Spongebob, especially the older episodes.

But the Disney Channel? Fuck them. I don’t mind Playhouse Disney for the really little kids. But anything that involves actors sucks and should be killed with fire. There isn’t a child character that isn’t an obnoxious asshole and the story lines BLOW. If there’s a station that’s raping my childhood dreams, it’s Disney.

I grew up on Disney movies. Every Sunday night we’d watch The Wonderful World of Disney and it was magical. We watched movies, made-for-TV movies, cartoons and shorts and they were…well, wonderful. I miss the variety of the programming and how my parents would watch too because the shows were good and entertaining for the whole family.

I have hope, though. I was sitting in here the other day and I heard Dave change the channel in the other room. I heard the buttons stop clicking and the sound of him pulling my grandmother’s rocking chair up to the TV. He was watching Bugs and Daffy argue over whether it was duck season or rabbit season and belly laughing at it.

That’s right, Sonny. That’s when they knew how to make a cartoon. Now you kids get off my lawn.


Winnah Winnah Chicken Dinnah September 10, 2012

Posted by J. in Genius, Other People's Genius.
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It’s Monday morning, and that means my blog contest is officially closed and I have chosen two winners to shower with fantastic fun and prizes.

First of all, thanks so much to all the people who participated. Coming up with topics to write about is the hardest part of writing, I think. I know I’ve said before that sometimes I feel rather a lot like Pooh Bear.

First off, because you’re dying to know, the grand prize winner of this year’s Gimme Something to Write About Contest is Beeby! Her question wins both because it is near and dear to my heart, and because she sprinkled it with a dose of profanity. I do love me some sentence enhancers and applaud a dirty mouth whenever I can. She poses this topic:

PBSKids is raping my fucking childhood. For the second time, I might add. I was moderately okay with The Electric Company regurgitation because I was never big on The Electric Company as a kid anyway. But this Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood has me unable to string words together about it.

I feel you pain, Beebs. And next Monday I’m going to write at length about how children’s programming has backslid into a swirling cesspool of unoriginal and uninspired regurgitation, then I’m going out on the porch to wave my cane at some kids and tell them to get off my damned lawn. I’m also going to send you something super special to put in a place of honor, and maybe a bar of soap or some Orbit gum for your dirty, dirty whore’s mouth.

My second prize goes randomly to a name picked out of a hat. For every question, I put a name on a piece of paper, so if you posed three questions, you got entered three times. I err on the side of generosity, too, because I like you guys so very much. Last year, Gary M. got a painted wooden cut-out of a goat eating a tin can that occupies a place of pride in his hosta bed. Did he get lucky two years in a row?

Let’s find out. Drumroll, please. And the winner is…

Krysstyallanthrox! God, I hope I spelled that right. She’s an overachiever and entered 7 topics, so she pretty much stacked this part in her favor. She’s gonna get something real purty too, once she sends me her contact information at jen (dot) poops (dot) lacey (at) gmail (dot) com.

Congratulations to the big winners!