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WTF Friday, Second Edition: My Head Just Exploded April 1, 2011

Posted by J. in Genius.

Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi.

I’m not one to call out another person as being completely worthless.  That’s not fair.  I don’t know her well enough to be sure that this bubble-headed twatmuffin personality is for real or if she’s a down-to-earth gal who is lovely and intelligent and works tirelessly on behalf of homeless Welsh terriers and reads to the deaf in her spare time.

I believe the words "literary abortion" are particularly appropriate in this context.

I know one thing.  Someone gave her a book deal.  Someone who knew that her name and chunky little mug on the cover would guarantee them gobs of cash no matter what was between the covers.

This morning I read that Rutgers (and by the way, fuck you, Rutgers) paid her $32,000 dollars to speak on campus.  They’re only paid Toni Fucking Morrison $30K to give the commencement address.  Snooki’s advice to undergrads:  “Study hard, but party harder.”

I’m sure the parents footing the bill for that “lecture” are impressed.  Way to go, Rutgers.

Am I the only one with a chapped ass at the idea that this functional illiterate and waste of breath is raking in cash hand over fist for being popular?  Am I the only one that is disgusted that she’s only popular in the first place for being a train wreck, and that the kind of popularity she has isn’t the kind that should lend itself to a book or speaking engagements?

Thank God for Amazon reviewers, though.  My faith in humanity was restored.  Please, enjoy these reviews of A Shore Thing.  If there’s any justice in the world, one of these reviewers will someday have a book deal of his own.

From Marxius:  “This is by far the best assisted suicide novel I have ever read. I was literally cutting my wrists as every page was turned. Bravo Snooki!!”

R. Casimiro raves: “I use to be Harvard inglish profeser. I reed this bok and now forgot how spel and use inglish.  Plot was nyce, had good story and hot chicks.”

A five-star glow from MeeBo:  “If you never ever buy a book and read it, this book shouldn’t be it! Every page you never turn will be a blessing. If you like cupcakes, you’ll love [the title of this book]. I’ve never used the phrase ‘literary abortion’, but I just did to describe [the title of this book]. It’s like having an aneurysm in your eye, and that aneurysm decides to get drunk on strawberry schnapps and have unprotected sex with the stroke that’s climbing up your spine, in a hot-tub full of skank-herp!”

I. Mackey raves:  “I never knew what it was like to stare into the abyss, until I read this book. I now realize the true depths of despair my soul can be driven to. Thanks, Snooki!”

My personal favorite from scripted:  “I picked up A Shore Thing as my read for a train journey from Atlanta to Charlotte. I had recently finished ‘A Farewell to Arms’ and ‘The Brothers Karamozov’ so there was nothing but this left in my must-read list. Twenty magical hours and three successive readings of the book later, I looked away from the book and saw the world anew through my Aviator covered eyes. I was hundreds of miles past Charlotte, tan lotion covered me from head to toe, and my mind was refreshingly clear of all I had learned from preschool through graduate school. Also, my money and laptop was not with me anymore. But it was a small price to pay, for I was transported to an amazing world and this book changed my life.”

I couldn’t agree with suaspontemark:  “I still pine for the day when Wicket W. Warrick releases his memoirs of the Battle of Endor, but until then, we’ll just have to settle for this excellent translation. It’s one of the cleanest in the English language, where the grunts and vernacular of the vertically challenged and girth enhanced Ewok Snooki come across in all their simplicity. Though demonstrating a remarkable paucity of thought, we’re endeared of this member of the species, and look forward to more as she gains her voice and hopefully develops a slightly higher IQ. Kudos to her translator, but it’s unfortunate that the editor had such a dull source. It’s entertaining, momentarily, to have exposure to the Ewok’s earth culture of drinking, whoring, and tanning, but that wears out quickly and we’re left with a book that is the 2011 version of Jessica Simpson’s wedding planning guide.”

Thank you for the laughs this morning, you magnificent bastards.  *mwah*

And to the people in publishing who decided to cash in on her fame with this piece of crap and to the brain trust at Rutgers for giving this little pumpkin-colored piglet yet another forum for her inanity…what the fuck?






1. Haley - April 1, 2011

I am convinced that a good part of what is wrong with society today is thanks to reality tv and “stars” like her. I do not get why she is popular, nor do I want to.

Loved the reviews!

2. Cindy in Happy Valley - April 1, 2011

From the cover photo, it looks like Snookie’s exploded too…..or is she just happy to see you?

To restore your faith in human kind…every time someone mentions her, my husband says…”who’s Snookie?” He wouldn’t know Snookie from a cake of soap…ok, bad comparison..the soap cake is at least useful.

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