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Describe Me! March 25, 2011

Posted by J. in Genius.

Not me, personally.  I am indescribable and you damn well know it.  What I need is help coming up with a clever description of these lovely fingerless mittens.  I know what I want to do, I’m just having trouble doing it.

The working name of this listing is "Man in the Boat Mitts" if that's any help to you at all.

As you probably know, or should have figured out by now, I’m a HUGE fan of Regretsy.  HUGE.  I love that site.  I consistently laugh out loud at the captions April (Winchell, aka “Helen Killer”) writes.  I would freaking KILL to be featured on Regretsy, but I don’t think I can knit something ugly enough to qualify without being ironic and April can smell irony a mile away.  She’d be onto me like a duck on a June bug.

Anyway, when you make a living tearing to shreds the things people have posted on Etsy, you’re bound to make a few enemies over there.  One Etsyan chided April for making fun of people and being mean, and then started a Facebook site called (get this) “Regretsyisforfatugly Jealouslosers”.

Hypocritical much?

She goes by the name…well, I can’t really retype it because she does that hipster/teen/goth thing of capitalizing half the letters to make herself…I don’t know what.  Edgy?  Hip?  Whatever.  I just call her Chlamydia.  Chlamydia heads a team over on Etsy.  Etsy teams are groups you can belong to and I think the main purpose is to help each other increase sales and stuff.  I don’t really know because I’ve never felt the urge to join one before.  Anyway, she was somehow tying her team into that Facebook page and some of the members of her team got mad and left and then told April about it and…well, more fuckery ensued.

Some Regretsy frequenters retaliated and formed an Etsy team called “April’s Army” which I promptly joined.  Here’s what April says about us:

April’s Army is a team on Etsy comprised of over 700 buyers and sellers. These are people who just want to make and sell high quality things, and are united in their affection for whatever the hell it is I do over here. It’s now one of the biggest teams on Etsy, so naturally people want it to go away. In fact, it’s already been targeted by a few angry sellers, who have started forum threads to close it down, and are now filing bullshit reports of “harassment”.

It’s especially maddening, because this group stands to raise thousands of dollars for needy Etsy sellers, and other people in this community who are facing really difficult obstacles.

So I just want to say this. People will be watching you very carefully and coming up with any flimsy reason to shut you down. Don’t give them any ammo. Play nice in Happytown, and come here to vent. There are rules there. There is booze here. They have cupcakes. We have pain killers. You know what I’m talking about.

I’ll post a thread over there tomorrow about what I envision as the charity aspect of the team, and I’ll be talking about all that less and less over here, since most of you just come here for the fuckery.

One of the things April does on Regretsy is she’ll let us know if an Etsy seller is having a hard time financially and promote his/her shop on the site.  She gives to charity and encourages all her readers to do the same, because as she says, “I’d rather talk shit and do good than talk good and do shit.”

I can get behind that.

So, as a card-carrying member of April’s Army, now over 1,000 members strong and I think the biggest team on Etsy, I’m taking part in the first Charity Listing event in (appropriately enough) April.  I’ve knit these fantastic fingerless mittens as my contribution, but I’m having trouble coming up with a description of them for my Etsy listing.

I think this post from Regretsy called “It’s the Great Wall of Vagina, Charlie Brown” sums up my feelings about vulvae and the womyn who find them the center of all…oh, whatever the fuck cooter hangups they have.  I don’t understand it, never will.

The Illustrious Snatch, however, renders beautifully in cables and bobbles, so I knit some.  Well a couple.  Two snatches, one for each hand.  I think of these little pink mitts as a sort of companion piece to the “Ribbed for Her Pleasure” mittens I listed just a few days ago.

If you can make these Man in the Boat Mitts sound pretentious while making it clear that I don’t think a woman’s wizard’s sleeve is any more mystical or magical than it’s neighbor, the much-maligned balloon knot that is the asshole, you will be my hero.  Oh, I don’t know if I mentioned, but these mitts will sell for 20 bucks and all the proceeds will go to charity.  (We’re still in discussions, but so far all the charities suggested are great choices.)  And we’ll be donating one item a month in this fashion.  I just want my debut item to be Killer and for my listing to be a masterpiece of Whimsicle Fuckery.

Genitals amuse me. I may write a book of knitting patterns someday called "Clit One, Purl Two" or something like that.



1. CBear - March 25, 2011

I just can’t top what you’ve written here… balloon knot!


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