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And the Ceramic Panda Goes to… February 28, 2011

Posted by J. in Genius, Other People's Genius.

I would walk a mile on my tongue over broken glass to see this man read the phone book.

Sorry for the dramatic buildup, there.  I stayed up too late watching the Oscars.  I probably shouldn’t have done it.  I wanted to see Colin Firth accept his Oscar just so I could watch his mouth move, and if he’d lost the award to McLovin’ I might have done something Very Bad.

But he won, and he was just lovely.

And DAMN, is Poops tired this morning.

In addition to wanting to make sure Mr. Darcy took home some gold, I started knitting a baby sweater for my impending nephew who will, if he follows instructions, be arriving on the 9th via C-section.  I was on the very last section of the second side front when the show ended and I really wanted to just finish it up so that I didn’t have to figure out where I was when I got up this morning.

So I flicked it over to Spike to catch the end of the Star Wars movie where Haydn Christiansen becomes Darth Vader and was knitting along furiously to the sounds of a lightsaber duel when I heard someone come downstairs.

I figured Larry had to pee, and when he didn’t come out of the bathroom right away, I just figured twosies and kept on knitting.

Then I heard Bug cough.

It’s not like my kids to get out of bed to use the bathroom in the middle of the night.  Mary has a bladder like a camel and Emma just pisses the bed.

Then she coughed again.  And again.  And I realized that it wasn’t a cough but that sound you make at the end of puking to get the schmutz out of your throat.  I tossed my knitting aside and ran in and she was hurling her guts up.  I flushed for her and rubbed her back, held her hair, got her one of Papa’s clean t-shirts to sleep in, wiped her face and sent her back up with a bucket and a towel.  Then I finished my last row, turned everything off, and followed her up.

I got into bed, and I waited.

Here’s one of those things they don’t tell you about being a parent.  The lie they tell you is “once they sleep through the night everything will be fine.”  The truth is that there is no such thing as sleeping through the night.

Yes, my kids all reached the point of not needing to wake up to feed between three and four months old.  But then they go through a spell of waking up and wanting to play.  Sometimes they’re sick, like last night.  They have nightmares.  They get leg cramps.  And the first three months of their lives have trained you to sleep with one ear open.  Like a soldier in combat, you never sleep deeply again.  You hear every single noise they make.  If they cough, you know it.  If someone is out of bed, you are instantly out of bed too.  Cries, sighs, rolling over: you hear it, you wake up, you identify the sound, classify it, and go back to sleep.

So I went to bed at 12:30 this morning, fell asleep sometime after two after my brain and body stayed on alert waiting to see if Bug would get sick again (she didn’t), slept very lightly, and woke with Dave at 7.

I wonder if when they are all grown and living elsewhere if I’ll be able to sleep deeply again or if sleeping like a rock is a thing of the past forever.  Can that kind of conditioning be undone?

So this morning’s postings are most definitely coffee-fueled.  It’s the first day of February vacation, both girls are home, and it’s raining out.  Y’all should start a pool to see at what time today I completely lose my shit, and if you took “before she gets this post published,” you’d probably be on the right track.

So where was I?  Oh, yes!  I have some awards to hand out!  First of all, a big thank you to everyone who suggested topic ideas for People’s Choice Monday.  If you go up to the top of the page, right on the photo of Larry’s still unfinished Lopi anniversary sweater that serves as my header, you’ll see some wee tabs.  PCM is People’s Choice Monday and I put the complete list of topics up and the dates on which I intend to speak on them.  They’re in no specific order at all, and since some people suggested the same topics or more than one thing, I broke them up and…well, you get the idea.  It doesn’t really matter, does it?

Get on with the prizes, woman!  Much like the Oscars, I feel I’m running long and the audience is starting to switch channels, but doesn’t want to stray too long in case they miss the big awards, so the producers are signaling to me to pick up the pace.  I promise not to “WOOOHOOO” like fucking Anne Hathaway kept doing.  Why did no one shut her mike off?  Fuck me, that was annoying.  So was Franco’s squinting and smirking, but at least I wasn’t really “watching” so much as listening.

Sorry, I’m cutting into Jimmy Kimmel Live.

First, the runner-up award goes to the person whose name I have drawn randomly from a tupperware bowl.  The winner of the Macrame Owl Sweepstakes is…


Thanks, Gary, for playing along!  Gary’s insightful and probing questions have spawned a three-part series on Life in NH and an in-depth treatise on how my Catholic education has affected me.

Should be some riveting stuff.  Be sure to stay tuned.

And the grand prize winner for the comment I enjoyed the most shouldn’t really surprise many people.  Her comment spawned a couple of topics, but she gets the award for eloquence, verbiage, and making me laugh out loud.  She writes:  “Were you looking for serious topic ideas or ones that will inspire you to write witty repartee? Ones that will plunge the depths of your twisted psyche and summon both demons and angels from your restless id…or ones that’ll give you moist knickers?  I think you should start with Motherhood and all the lies it entails. You could write volumes on it, I’m certain, but maybe you could do a short series on it.  If not that, then write about tits. People always like to read about tits.”

For using the phrases “moist knickers,” “restless id,” and “people always like to read about tits,” the People’s Choice Ceramic Panda goes to…


Congratulations to the big winners and thanks again for playing along!

(Psst.  Johnny, tell them what they’ve won.)

Since I refuse to part with my ceramic panda and Gary probably already has a macrame owl, I’m going to lie down and take a nap and ruminate on something just terrific for the both of you for.  Something stunning.  Something that  just SCREAMS Poops.

Be afraid.  Be very afraid…



1. Jenn in RI - February 28, 2011

Alas, I really wanted to win. Big sigh, cue the copious surging violin music. And by the way…I have huge tits…but whatever.
(hoping Bug continues to feel well!)

poopslacey - February 28, 2011

I only wish I had a consolation Panda to send. Maybe Gary will let you pat his owl…

2. Helen - February 28, 2011

While I may be overgeneralizing a bit, it stinks that only moms learn that ability. Hubby does not hear the babe as early/often as I do. Sigh. And we’re moving next month and the baby’s room will be on a different floor than us and I know it will be all me!

3. Yorkie - February 28, 2011

WOOOOHOOO! I won! I never win anything! And I wasn’t even trying that hard! What terrors would I unleash if I actually revved my brain up to maximum capacity…

I love my Poops, and I would happily display a macrame owl in my kitchen. Or a Kitchen Witch made from recycled pantyhose and Spanish Moss.

4. Gary M - February 28, 2011

First I’d like to thank the Academy… wait that’s not what I won. I would gladly hang the owl in my garage right along side my shop class diplomas. Can’t wait to see what you come up with on all the peoples choice topics. And yes Jenn, you do have huge tits.

5. You Could Win a Giant Light-Up Picture of the Azores* « askpoopsplease - September 3, 2012

[…] ideas of things I could blog about. I held a wee contest in which I sent some amazing treasures to a couple of lucky readers, one for having what I thought was the best question, and the other for just showing up and playing […]

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